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| An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman get twisted at the local pub one night and conspire to rob the local bank. Drunk as they are, they try and rob the place but are too drunk to pull it off. As the alarms scream, they leg it out of the bank and down the alley. Hot on their heals are the cops, responding to the alarm. As the three drunks round a bend, they spot a Cats and Dogs Home and jump over the fence into the kennel yard. They see three burlap sacks lying on the ground and they each crawl into an empty bag. The cops leap over the fence behind them and spot the three bulging sacks on the ground. One cop kicks the first sack and the Englishman says, "Woof! Woof!" "Ah, must be a dog!" says the cop and he kicks the second sack. The Scotsman says, "Meow!" and the cop nods his head, exclaiming, "Must be cats!" and turns his focus on the last sack, kicking it sharply. The Irishman cries out, "Potatoes!" | |
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A man walks into a pub. He greets the barman and orders a pint. As the barman draws it, the man begins to hear two noisy young men at the end of the bar. "What county did you say you where from?" asked the first. "Why, County Clare." the second replied. "Well, I'll be damned! I'm from County Clare, too! What town?" "Why, I'm from Ennis." "I'll be damned! I'm from Ennis, too! What parish are you from?' "Saint Francis." "Well, I'll be damned! I belonged to Saint Francis', too. What street did you live on?" "Why, Parnell Street." "I'll be dammed. I lived on Parnell Street. What was your mother's maiden name?" "Leahy." "I'll be damned . . ." After listening to all this, the man calls the barman over and says, "Sean, what's with them two?" "Not much," he replied. "Just the Mulcahy twins drunk again!" |
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Sean had been
drinking at his local pub all day and most of the night.
Mick, the bartender says "You'll not be drinking anymore
tonight, Sean". Sean replies "OK Mick, I'll be on my way
then." Sean spins around on his stool and steps off. He
falls flat on his face. "Shit" he says and pulls himself up
by the stool and dusts himself off. He takes a step towards
the door and falls flat on his face. He looks to the doorway
and thinks to himself that if he can just get to the door
and get some fresh air he'll be fine. He belly crawls to the
door and shimmies up the door jamb. He sticks his head
outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air. He feels much
better and takes a step out onto the sidewalk. He falls flat
on his face. "I'm fookin locked" he says. He can see his
house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door and
shimmies up the door jamb, opens the door and shimmies
inside. He takes a look up the stairs and says "No fookin
way." He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says
"I can make it to the bed." He takes a step into the room
and falls flat on his face. He says "Fook it" and crawls
into bed. The next morning, his wife, Mary, comes into the room carrying a cup of coffee and says "Get up Sean. Did you have a bit to drink last night?" Sean says "I did Mary. I was fookin locked. But how'd you know?" She answered "Mick called. You left your wheelchair at the pub." |
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Q. How do you
get two bagpipes to play a perfect unison?
Q. What's the
difference between a bagpipe and an onion?
Q. How can
you tell a bagpiper with perfect pitch?
Q. How is
playing a bagpipe like throwing a javelin blindfolded?
Q. What's the
definition of a gentleman?
Q. What's the difference between a bagpipe and a trampoline? A. You take off your shoes when you jump on a trampoline.
Q. Why did the chicken cross the road? A. To get away from the bagpipe recital.
Q. Why do bagpipers leave their cases on their dashboards? A. So they can park in handicapped zones.
Q. What do you call bagpiper with half a brain? A. Gifted.
Q. How many bagpipers does it take to change a light bulb? A. Five, one to handle the bulb and the other four to contemplate how Bill Livingston would have done it.
Q. If you were lost in the woods, who would you trust for directions, an in-tune bagpipe player, an out of tune bagpipe player, or Santa Claus? A. The out of tune bagpipe player. The other two indicate you have been hallucinating.
Q. What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead bagpiper in the road? A. Skid marks in front of the snake.
Q. What's the range of a bagpipe? A. Twenty yards if you have a good arm. |
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